March 13, 2015- the continuing story from yesterday.....part 2.
Where it stops, nobody knows. Thats the funny thing about cancer...nobody seems to know when, where or IF it'll ever stop. You think and your doctors think (as it was in my case at least) that it'll just be one surgery to remove the "cyst" and ovary and you'll be good as new. Aaand...you're not. You find out it's malignant that means a total hysterectomy and staging surgery and THEN you'll be done. Good for another 100,000 miles, we joked! Aaand....you're not. At my 6 month check up, they find another mass, more tests, more lab work, genetic testing and surgery...and around and around and around we go again, and where it stops we don't know. But is that really the case, I've been asking myself lately? Do we really not know where it stops? Maybe it DOES stop sometimes and I just have to figure out when and where those times are.
Getting back to the continuation of my story...as concerned as we were about the discovery of another mass and the scope of what that could mean, for some reason we allowed ourselves (me and my husband who'd accompanied me to the appointment) to be lulled. Placated. Dismissed and disregarded. Why did we just walk out without putting up a serious objection to just leaving a mass intact for 6 more months? I asked myself that question over and over for weeks afterwards while I waited for my oncologist to get back from vacation and return my calls. The bottom line is this....I'm not a noise-maker. I'm not a squeaky wheel. I hate confrontation with anyone...but especially with my oncologist! I mean seriously....I'm putting my life in her hands, she opens me up with a scalpel for crying out loud....probably wouldn't do to insult her or tick her off, right? One thing I've learned through this journey is where one thing WILL stop...and thats being pushed around, dismissed, and not being listerned to. I am learning that I need to be an advocate for MYSELF because this experience with this particular oncology office has shown me clearly that THEY may or may NOT care enough to! As the saying goes, I need to fight like a girl! ...be a Teal Warrior!
Another reason we "allowed" this, although it WAS subconscious, is because it's difficult to face that fear again. I'd worked through and past the fears of an ovarian cancer diagnosis, the fear of chemo and losing my hair, the fear of dying and leaving loved ones behind (SO MANY fears come part n parcel with cancer). Fear is like a hideous demon...so ferocious that can leave us feeling like a quivering mess. Cancer is no joke! Maybe, if you've battled cancer, you can relate to that. Anyway, It was hard to accept that I may be having my first recurrence, that I'm going to need more tests, more surgery, and maybe even more aggressive treatments, like chemo or radiation, which up till now I have not needed. I'd figured out how to corral all those fears and put them in a box and put the box on a shelf....pushed way in the back to never be seen again. And now here we were being forced to take down that box and open it...to shake everything out (the fear, the emotions etc) and deal with it again! Scary business. And hard to face again. But here's the thing...the Fear Monster feeds on our fear! So this is another place where I'm saying STOP. No more FEEDING the fear....I'm literally giving my precious energy to feed the Fear Monster and that has to stop. I need to redirect that energy in positive and proactive pursuits....like ovarian cancer advocacy, healing, serving Jehovah with everything I've got and treasuring friends and family. But one thing is for sure...no more wasting time and energy on fear...or fearing fear, lol!
I also tend to be stupidly optimistic to the point of being a bit "Pollyanna"...and this is another place where I needed to say STOP....while I always want to maintain an optimistic and positive attitude towards things, I must remember to balance that mindset with REALISM....I've gotta be more realistic. For example, I realized that it is not ok for a doctor or her staff to treat me so callously. Its not. And it IS ok for me to say I am not happy with something...it is ok to speak up! Why are they even in the business of caring for people if they don't. So, henceforth I will be known as Melissa, the optimistic realist, not taking foolishness from nobody! I like that! ;) Understanding this will hopefully help me NOT to allow stupid situations that could have been avoided by putting my foot down or at least mitigate damages by balancing a positive attitude with realistic expectations. Like your oncologist listening to you....ok back to the story!
When we returned home from that disappointing follow up appointment my friends and family were all eager for an update. I plastered a grin on my face and brightly told them what the oncologist and her nurse said to me....with the same sweet smile, same lilting tone of voice, same "no big deal" attitude. "We'll check it again in 6 months." Needless to say, the reactions from everyone were identical and intense...."Oh HECK no!" they said. And then the barrage of questions that I SHOULD have asked but didn't, as well as some very strong recommendations to get a second opinion and ideally a new oncologist immediately! I am such a blessed woman. I have so so many people in my life who truly care about me....who truly understand my nature and how to offer help and suggestions that have made a huge positive impact in my life! The intensity of their concern was akin to being rolled over by a steam roller and believe you me, I got the message loud and clear, haha! The next morning I was on the phone with my oncology office staff (who continued to patronize me and make me feel as though I were being a drama queen as opposed to a women diagnosed with a deadly disease trying to get the care she needs). When I got nothing but guff from them and they had me thoroughly flustered to the point of tears, I hung up and said then and there, "Fine, be that way. I'll just find someone else better!" And I did with the help of my amazing local gynecologist Tina. She referred me to a new office and a new gyn/oncologist. Although I was ticked beyond words at my first oncologist, Dr. Gawds, and really afraid to have to interview a new oncologist knowing that time is of the essence, I tried to remind myself that this could be a blessing in disguise. But only time will tell. I'll share THAT experience in another post.
I guess that old saying "Around and around and around it goes, where it stops nobody knows" is a pretty fitting life analogy. It seems to reference the on and on-ness of it and/or the unpredicability of it and maybe even the neverending-ness of events. When I've repeated it in the past, I've always taken it to be said with a questioning tone, with an amount of doubtfulness connected to it, like it (meaning bad things) never will stop. But, as I've rethought it, particularly in connection with this recent life event I "hear" it differently....especially the STOPPING part of it....the fact is there is a lot in life that we can't control...around and around it goes....BUT there's a lot we CAN control....we CAN put on the brakes and remove any unquestionable thing we don't like or want...we can say "STOP that doesn't work for me" or "STOP I'm not ok with this"...and in these instances its not a negative but a positive thing, and empowering.
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