March 15, 2015- This blog is a reliving of sorts, a retelling of events leading up to and during my journey with ovarian cancer. I'm a year into my diagnosis and treatment so many posts will be looking back, while intermingling with the present. It is my therapy...my mental and emotion release of what, when, where, why and how.
We woke up the morning of February 13, 2015, with a great deal of excitement! Terry and I looked at each other and smiled...it was time for my first 6 month post-op check up and believe it or not we were anxious to get the day started! We had it all planned out....get up and out the door early. Hit some stores before the appointment and have dinner out after my appointment....a weird sort of date day! The appointment with my oncologist wasn't until mid-afternoon so we planned on hitting one or 2 pawn shops on the way over to Dartmouth-Hitchcock,. It's one of Terry's favorite things to do. It helps break up the monotony of a 2 1/2 hour car trip, one way. As long as I had my Dunkies coffee and my book, I was a happy camper and happy to oblige! Well, dontcha know...it was one fool thing after another trying to get out the door....forgot our cellphones...back upstairs grab the phones. Forgot to check the online bank balance....run back in, do a quick check- "yup we're good"- back out to the car...."Nuts! Forgot to fill the tank!" Around and around it went until we were now going to be fortunate to even get there on time. So we drive like crazy folks across the New Hampshire back roads (cuz there's no direct route to ANYWHERE here, lol) trying hard to not go off the road or bottom out the car on all the frost heaves! Despite all the hassles we get there in one piece and on time. It was a crazy trip over but it didn't really matter. I was just excited to have this appointment, be told I'm doing great and be sent on my way. When you've gone through the trauma of 3 surgeries in 8 months....the pain, the emotional rollercoaster, the trying to adapt to your new normal as an ovarian cancer survivor and start to feel as though you'd actually SUCCEEDED....well, I guess I was just excited to hear those reaffirming words and get a well deserved pat on the back from my oncologist!
Because Dartmouth is a teaching hospital, you have to repeat yourself a lot...retelling how you've been feeling over and over and over...first to the nurse, then the nurse practitioner, then the resident, and THEN, at long last and when your mouth is as dry as a burnt boot, THEN you get to talk to your oncologist. Around and around and around we go....
I did share with the nurse practioner that overall I was finally feeling strong and in control with just a couple minor issues. I felt overwhelmingly happy to have made it through 2014....I was one of the "lucky" ones, got diagnosed early and had it taken care of quickly. Since the beginning of this year (Jan. 2015) I'd made a conscious choice to take my oncologist, Dr. Gawds' advice (name has been changed) and just LIVE! She had told me this was just a "hiccup" in the course of my life and that it was over. I was tired of living in fears shadow and ready to reemerge into the light a healthier, happier and cancer-free woman! So I did! I released the fear completely. I told the her that I'd been experiencing a few very mild symptoms that were similar to my original symptoms...like feeling fully quickly again and some low back pain. It's likely nothing, she assured me. I told her you are probably absolutely right but if you'd just make a notation in my file that I mentioned them I'd appreciate it. Which she did. All we had to do next was the physical exam and then we were done. Pat me on the back, tell me I did good and then off to our dinner at Molly's! Naturally, nothing in my life seems to go off without a hitch...and this was no exception. During the exam, the nurse practitioner very casually and sweetly says "hmmm....seems like you might have a teeeeny little cyst. NO BIG DEAL, mind you....but...you know....I'd feel better having someone with the letters MD after their name take a look at it." After she exits the room, my husband and I just looked at each other dumbstruck!! I felt as is I'd been thrown into a raging furnace as heat rushed over my body. I felt like I could hardly breathe, as if the nurse practitioner had sucked all the air out of the room as she closed the door! HOW on earth could this be happening, I asked Terry. This is not right. They told me everything was clear just 6 months ago. It was caught early and removed. I was told because this is a very rare and slow growing type of ovarian cancer that the chances of a recurrence was 10%-20%! Oh how I kicked myself for setting myself up for this!! I had no right at all letting myself believe that this was just a "hiccup"...at least thats how I felt at the time. I totally blamed myself for this fall and for the hurt and fear it would cause my family and friends when they heard the news. Lesson learned. All of these thoughts are running through my brain as I struggled to harness them. As I continued to lay there and wait my mind starts doing the preparations...."Ok, so another surgery's coming. Thats ok...you handily managed 3 surgeries last year. Hey! You're not even afraid of them anymore, so thats a plus! Next, we'll have to figure a "good" day to schedule it, I'll have to line up help with meals and cleaning, I can rearrange this and that for a later time...yeah, that'll work....." and around and around and around we go. Again.
By the time Dr. Gawd came in, I was all prepared for the news. I was prepared for her to tell me it has to come out. She did a little poking and prodding, and simply said "Yup. I feel it. Its a cyst. No big deal." ...and started to walk away. Before I had a chance to object or ask a question, the nurse practioner, who seemed moderately surprised thats all the doctor did, sheepishly asks the doctor "weeell, wouldn't you like to just take a quick LOOK at it?" Dr. Gawd obliged her but within another 30-60 seconds dismissed it as a fluid-filled cyst and told me we'd look at it again at my next 6 month check up. I was FLOORED! Wait...what? You want to LEAVE it in there?! I told her "No disrespect but thats exactly what we thought when the first one was found...and it was CANCER! And apparently it has spread!" She repeated what she'd just said as though trying to placate a small and indignant child, smiled and walked out the door. The nurse came back in and was oh so kind and reassuring, again parroting what the doctor had just said. So much so that we actually calmed back down and left smiling. I mean, hey...we're not the experts, right? What do I know and who am I to question her? Sometimes, talking to doctors feels like the ultimate act of futility....around and around and around we go! I've always hated merri-go-rounds anyway.
To be continued.....
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